~Just Lily

i feel like this relationship has had a huge beating…its been going slowly downhill and i hate that this is where i am right now…that eventually it could get to a point where i can rememeber the sweeter peaceful memories and all i’ll have are these tough hard months where our relationship just lingered in…

the relationship hasnt been growing or really its been taking a back seat to these circumstances…

i know his mcats are in about a month now, and hes been having to do alot with that, stress and practice and well i really hope when its over our relationship gets the jump it needs to feel alive again…

But then im afraid it wont…that after these months of putting the relationship second that we wont know what to do..because I feel we created this relationship and now its just…there…like no work or effort in really enriching it with memories and happiness.

We used to do more things…go out…hang out with group of friends and such but that decreased and slowly i got used to not being around people…not being as social…just inverted and only really hanging out with him. Now its been so long, even hanging out with friends is just not the same as it used to be…

planning to do things and then doing em take time and i never had a problem finding and making things for us to do…but he once said he didnt have the mental capacity to actually initiate those things himself because mcat is such a huge deal…which i understand to a degree but this relationship needs and DESERVES to have both people putting in the work….and i guess im at fault as well because ive decreased my efforts since i know he doesnt have as much free time to be doing fun things… 

i used to be energetic and enthusiastic and just over all more alive than i have been these past couple of months…or maybe even longer…

i thought it was the pill making me super depressed and unhappy and just idk ive been off for a couple weeks and i still feel emotional and un able to be at peace and happy with life…

this relationship has really taken a toll on me..to say the least, right now its the best and worst thing in my life right now…

its been too often now that i cry myself to sleep when ever i think about the relationship and how it is…im just unhappy and it tears me up inside thinking maybe what needs to be done is just to end it… but i just keep hoping to myself that things will get better and this is temporary…but right now its just so hard and im so tired of feeling this way…

i dont know if this is just all in my head, and im making this whole situation worse than it is, and i should probably talk to him bout all this, but i can never get a whole sentence out let alone all these messed up thoughts out without my voice shaking and me crying.

i just really dont know…im at lost of what to do and doing nothing doesnt seem to help any….

I feel like im going insane, like im self destructing and making everything worse than it is. I used to be happy and at peace with the littlest things and now just wanting to smile has been difficult…if its all in my head, and overthinking about everything has consumed my thoughts, then i need a sign, i need to know that this isn’t gonna last. i wish i could just wipe out all these thoughts or have an off switch. but its never that easy…how did i end up like this X(

i dont want to break up, i just want this relationship to be the best it can be and have memories i want to remember, but we havnt been able to make new memories…watching movies and shows and listening to music together is nice bit that seems to be all we do anymore…and I hope this is all just temporary, I guess communication is the first step and not holding all this in and to myself…

People say Tumblr is a waste of time. I disagree. In 20 years, I’m going to be able to sit down with my husband, type in my old Tumblr URL and say, “Baby, this is who I was at 18. It’s all the things that made me laugh, smile and cry. It’s the recipes I wanted to try, the quotes that I abided by and believed in. It’s all of the new things that I wanted to do someday. It’s the struggles I made it through. It’s the hurricane of 2011 and my letter to you about how I wish you were there. This is ME.” So Tumblr? Not a waste of time. It’s an investment in a memory. Because, tell me: Do you think you’re going to remember all of the little things that make you tick now, then? You won’t, I promise…But me? I will.

kyerabianca:

My thoughts exactly. I’ve been blogging on here since May of 2007. That’s a heck of a lot of memories. My Tumblr has seen me grow up. It’s my time capsule.

Hopefully, Tumblr will still be around in 20 years. :)

p.s. I’ve met some really amazing people on here that I consider friends.

ditto, ditto ditto. boy looking back at my personal posts will bring a lot of great and bad memories. but this is my online place to dump all the ramblings and what nots. 

(Source: poprocksandpolaroids)